Tuesday, September 30, 2014 05:54

The Enlightened Redneck: Take the Test

- Wiccapundit

While pondering some of the cognitively dissonant aspects of my own personality (and having nothing to do this evening), I came up with:

THE ENLIGHTENED REDNECK TEST

The Enlightened Redneck is one who can move equally easily in elitist, bi-coastal circles or at a rural down-home barbeque.

 This “test” considers attributes that are commonly considered “enlightened” – those in category (1) – and those considered “redneck” – those in category (2). For each question, give yourself one point for either category (1) or (2), or both, and total them for each category.  If the totals of the two categories are more than five points apart, then the Enlightened Redneck is out of balance, and needs to channel his or her inner aesthete (if too high in the (2) category), or go outdoors and do some huntin’ (if too high in the (1) category).   Take the test …

  1. owns at least 2 European-cut, double-breasted suits (or 2 evening gowns for the ladies);

  2. owns at least 2 items of camouflage clothing (ladies get an extra point if any of the items are suitable for wearing in bed; gents get an extra point if the camo is underwear).
  1. has eaten pate de foie gras, caviar, or escargot (one point each);

  2. has eaten grits, alligator, or any animal that you have personally killed (one point each).
  1. has smoked a Cuban cigar;
  2. has tried chewing tobacco at least once.
  1. has lived in a metropolitan area of over a million population;

  2. has lived in a city or town of fewer than 5,000 population.
  1. can speak a few words or phrases in at least 3 foreign languages, not including Spanish;

  2. knows what the phrases “three dog night” and “lock, stock, and barrel” actually mean.
  1. has ever prepared a meal that included Belgian endive;
  2. has ever cooked eggs in the grease of the bacon that was cooked just before the eggs, and not while camping.
  1. can speak a foreign word or phrase with the proper accent (extra point if you can trill the “R” in Spanish, swallow your tongue in French, or cough up a lung in Russian);

  2. can speak with a regional accent or drawl that is not an affectation (extra point if you naturally drop the “g” at the end of a word, or use “y’all” commonly in everyday conversation without thinking).
  1. knows the meaning of the word “defenestrate” (extra point if you have actually performed a defenestration)

  2. knows the meaning of the word “grabblin’” (or “noodlin’”, depending on regional variation)( FIVE extra points if you’ve actually done this).
  1. has seen an opera performed live;

  2. has been to the Grand Ole Opry.
  1. owns some classic literature in hardcover;

  2. owns at least one paperback book of Southern humor.

  1. owns some classical music CDs;

  2. owns more than one CD where the banjo is prominently featured (extra point if you actually own a banjo).
  1. has seen a live theatre performance at least 6 times;
  2. owns at least 6 firearms.
  1. has read a work of literature in its original language;

  2. owns at least one collectible comic book.

  1. has worn a kilt in public;

  2. has worn hip waders.

     1.   owns a Hi-Def. TV or Hi-Def. audio component.

     2.   owns at least 2 power tools that are not a drill.

  1. has owned a high-performance sports car with more than 5 gears;

  2. has owned a truck or SUV (extra point if owned both a truck and sports car at the same time)
  1. have taken serious poetry they have written and read it aloud at a formal poetry reading;

  2. has written a dirty limerick.

  1. owns a foreign film DVD that is not overdubbed in English (extra point if the language is French, and an extra point if it is a Kurosawa film)

  2. owns a DVD of the Three Stooges.
  1. has worked at a licensed profession (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc.)

  2. has worked at a manual labor job outdoors (extra point each if the job(s) were performed in temperatures over 100 degrees or below 32 degrees).

  1. has ever cooked a gourmet meal;

  2. has ever replaced a toilet.
  1. has ever been a member of a non-traditional or New Age religious organization;
  2. has ever been a member of a Protestant church.
  1. owns a tuxedo that has been worn more than once on any occasion other than a wedding;

  2. owns at least one T-shirt that prominently features a rock band logo.
  1. has traveled to at least 3 foreign countries, not including Canada or Mexico;
  2. has gone camping at least 3 times in one calendar year (extra point if you had to hike with your equipment to get to the campsite).
  1. can play a classical musical instrument (piano, flute, violin, etc.)
  2. can play a non-classical musical instrument (saxophone, electric guitar, etc.)(extra point if you can play the banjo)
  1. has ever day-traded stocks or commodities;
  2. has ever bought or sold anything at a yard sale.
  1. has ever owned a show-quality, registered breed pet;

  2. has ever owned a mixed-breed, unknown parentage pet.

  1. has ever rescued an animal;

  2. has ever killed any animal with their bare hands (insects don’t count).
  1. has consumed a bottle of wine that cost more than $500;

  2. has consumed home-made alcohol other than wine or beer (extra point if you made it yourself).
  1. can intelligently explain who Reinhold Neibuhr was;

  2. can recite the Second Amendment verbatim without looking it up.

And in answer to your obvious question, I am perfectly in balance, because I have done or can do ALL of these things.

How about y’all, mes amis?

 

Share

Tags: ,

17 Responses to “The Enlightened Redneck: Take the Test”

  1. Bob says:

    I think I’m very close to perfect balance myself! Being from the South and a frequent user of “y’all” in professional conversations, I confuse and impress people with the fact that I speak several languages (if only conversationally); I am equally comfortable cooking a gourmet dinner for eight or spending 20 hours barbecuing a pig; I am aware of the existence of the semicolon and I’m to afraid to use it; I eat grits with wild abandon; I fly small airplanes; I hunt and eat what I kill; I (only) own four firearms; I have been to the Grand Ole Opry three times (in the 80s) and seen a real opera in Rome; and just this evening I wore a Morrissey t-shirt to Wal-Mart! I am a Rennaissance Man in every sense of the term!

    • Bob says:

      That should’ve read that I’m NOT afraid to use the semicolon… Darn autocorrect!

      • Wiccapundit says:

        Hmmm. A grits-eatin’, gun-totin’, huntin’, airplane-flyin’ Renaissance Man. Outstanding!

        An opera in Rome; I’m jealous. I’ve seen Carmen performed at the Met.

        And a slow-cooked pig barbecue connoisseur! I’ve done the all night, cooked-over-coals-in-a-pit style roast. Manna from heaven! Of course, you get to stay up all night drinkin’ good whiskey and shootin’ the shit while you tend the fire…

        I have a feeling we’d get along just fine, Bob. Perhaps one day we’ll go flyin’ together (I’m multi- and instrument rated).

        • Doubting Rich says:

          Sounds fun. I only have a PPL in the US, but CPL/IR/Multi-piston/King Air in Europe. Love shooting and been known to catch and prepare my own dinner. You going to arrange a redneck fly in?

          • Wiccapundit says:

            Oh Hell yeah! A fly-in (with, of course, the requisite shooting and barbecue cookin’) would be OUTSTANDING! I’ll have to put that one in the hopper and figure out how to make it happen, sort of like the Moron Meet-Ups that Ace arranges.

            King Air: sweet! No turbine time for me yet, alas. Maybe one day …

            Amazing how all the best people have the same hobbies! :-)

  2. Kerry says:

    I’ve hardly done any of those things. :s

    • Wiccapundit says:

      It’s never too late to start living!. The point of the post was that there are many interesting and enjoyable things to experience in this life, and we shouldn’t be dissuaded from trying them because they don’t fit the “mold” we’ve become accustomed to.

  3. Bob says:

    My score was 18 “1s” and 21 “2s”.

  4. Doubting Rich says:

    I reckon I get quite a good score for a Cambridge-educated Brit. Can I claim a point on the second amendment if I know it better than most American journalists and some US Constitutional law lecturers (and former lecturers)? And given the rarity of firearms here can I add one for the fact that I have fired more than 6 different types of firearm, including one fully-automatic, one that Obama would call an “assault weapon” and one fired with a double tap at a juice can full of water (that was a Colt .45 automatic, in the wilds of Nevada and was awesome fun)?

    If so then I am pretty much balanced.

    • Wiccapundit says:

      Rich, you get a point for using the word “reckon” correctly, and at least a few points for being a Brit who hasn’t surrendered totally to the insanity that seems to have gripped the benighted isle. After all, oftentimes a Brit is merely someone who had the misfortune of having ancestors who were Tories in the Colonies. :-) Just kidding. I’ve been to Jolly Old a couple of times, and absolutely adored the people and the places. Standing inside the circle at Stonehenge was a holy experience for a witch like me.

      I can’t give you a point for knowing the 2nd Amendment better than our constitutional law chair-filler in Chief. Even a homeschooled first grader here knows that better than he does.

      You get a point for the full auto excursion, and the double tap.

      Good fun, that. I once got a chance to fire an H&K MP5 selective fire at a range. Three seconds and thirty rounds later, my instructor said: “that’ll be twenty dollars, please.” You have to be Saudi oil sheik rich to indulge that hobby.

  5. Doubting Rich says:

    P.S. Do people really fry eggs in anything other than the bacon grease? Seems a waste.

    • Wiccapundit says:

      It’s like reports of the Abominable Snowman or Sasquatch. I have heard that such people exist, but I’ve never seen them myself.

      I have got to put together a fly-in, shoot-in, barbecue cook-in festival and invite all the kool kids to come.

  6. ml says:

    Would having worked outdoors while living in a tent for several summers count into which column if it has been done as a geology student? (Never got the degree, life intervened, and since then I have worked almost exclusively in menial low paying jobs so that’s academic curiosity only)

    Where does fishing your own dinner go? I have never killed anything mammal, but I used to fish.

    When it comes to languages, English is the foreign one for me. I have studied both Swedish and German, and can still understand some although I can’t really use them anymore, but I can still ape the Swedish pronunciation pretty well.

    Hm. I seem to get a score that pretty well balances, only I have more 0 answers than points. And some probably shouldn’t count the same way here as they do over there, for example I have visited most western European countries (+ Soviet Union when it was that but not since it became Russia again) but so have most people I know since they are right next door. And in my country movies aren’t dubbed, excepting the ones aimed at small children, so everybody who owns more than a few movies owns non-dubbed ones. Okay, would there be any way to make a generic, works for most people in most countries version?

  7. Wiccapundit says:

    I’ve done a lot of fishing myself. I consider that just as honorable as hunting, and yes, you have killed in the service of your eating.

    I hadn’t thought of making up a test not geared primarily to Americans, but thanks for the suggestion; I’ll have to think about how I’d rework the questions to make them more applicable.

    Thanks for commenting. We get the most interesting readers here!

  8. JAFO says:

    15/32 here, but I really don’t think I THAT out of balance…

Leave a Reply