While pondering some of the cognitively dissonant aspects of my own personality (and having nothing to do this evening), I came up with:
THE ENLIGHTENED REDNECK TEST
The Enlightened Redneck is one who can move equally easily in elitist, bi-coastal circles or at a rural down-home barbeque.
This “test” considers attributes that are commonly considered “enlightened” – those in category (1) – and those considered “redneck” – those in category (2). For each question, give yourself one point for either category (1) or (2), or both, and total them for each category. If the totals of the two categories are more than five points apart, then the Enlightened Redneck is out of balance, and needs to channel his or her inner aesthete (if too high in the (2) category), or go outdoors and do some huntin’ (if too high in the (1) category). Take the test …
owns at least 2 European-cut, double-breasted suits (or 2 evening gowns for the ladies);
- owns at least 2 items of camouflage clothing (ladies get an extra point if any of the items are suitable for wearing in bed; gents get an extra point if the camo is underwear).
has eaten pate de foie gras, caviar, or escargot (one point each);
- has eaten grits, alligator, or any animal that you have personally killed (one point each).
- has smoked a Cuban cigar;
- has tried chewing tobacco at least once.
has lived in a metropolitan area of over a million population;
- has lived in a city or town of fewer than 5,000 population.
can speak a few words or phrases in at least 3 foreign languages, not including Spanish;
- knows what the phrases “three dog night” and “lock, stock, and barrel” actually mean.
- has ever prepared a meal that included Belgian endive;
- has ever cooked eggs in the grease of the bacon that was cooked just before the eggs, and not while camping.
can speak a foreign word or phrase with the proper accent (extra point if you can trill the “R” in Spanish, swallow your tongue in French, or cough up a lung in Russian);
- can speak with a regional accent or drawl that is not an affectation (extra point if you naturally drop the “g” at the end of a word, or use “y’all” commonly in everyday conversation without thinking).
knows the meaning of the word “defenestrate” (extra point if you have actually performed a defenestration)
- knows the meaning of the word “grabblin’” (or “noodlin’”, depending on regional variation)( FIVE extra points if you’ve actually done this).
has seen an opera performed live;
- has been to the Grand Ole Opry.
owns some classic literature in hardcover;
owns at least one paperback book of Southern humor.
owns some classical music CDs;
- owns more than one CD where the banjo is prominently featured (extra point if you actually own a banjo).
- has seen a live theatre performance at least 6 times;
- owns at least 6 firearms.
has read a work of literature in its original language;
owns at least one collectible comic book.
has worn a kilt in public;
has worn hip waders.
1. owns a Hi-Def. TV or Hi-Def. audio component.
2. owns at least 2 power tools that are not a drill.
has owned a high-performance sports car with more than 5 gears;
- has owned a truck or SUV (extra point if owned both a truck and sports car at the same time)
have taken serious poetry they have written and read it aloud at a formal poetry reading;
has written a dirty limerick.
owns a foreign film DVD that is not overdubbed in English (extra point if the language is French, and an extra point if it is a Kurosawa film)
- owns a DVD of the Three Stooges.
has worked at a licensed profession (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc.)
has worked at a manual labor job outdoors (extra point each if the job(s) were performed in temperatures over 100 degrees or below 32 degrees).
has ever cooked a gourmet meal;
- has ever replaced a toilet.
- has ever been a member of a non-traditional or New Age religious organization;
- has ever been a member of a Protestant church.
owns a tuxedo that has been worn more than once on any occasion other than a wedding;
- owns at least one T-shirt that prominently features a rock band logo.
- has traveled to at least 3 foreign countries, not including Canada or Mexico;
- has gone camping at least 3 times in one calendar year (extra point if you had to hike with your equipment to get to the campsite).
- can play a classical musical instrument (piano, flute, violin, etc.)
- can play a non-classical musical instrument (saxophone, electric guitar, etc.)(extra point if you can play the banjo)
- has ever day-traded stocks or commodities;
- has ever bought or sold anything at a yard sale.
has ever owned a show-quality, registered breed pet;
has ever owned a mixed-breed, unknown parentage pet.
has ever rescued an animal;
- has ever killed any animal with their bare hands (insects don’t count).
has consumed a bottle of wine that cost more than $500;
- has consumed home-made alcohol other than wine or beer (extra point if you made it yourself).
can intelligently explain who Reinhold Neibuhr was;
can recite the Second Amendment verbatim without looking it up.
And in answer to your obvious question, I am perfectly in balance, because I have done or can do ALL of these things.
How about y’all, mes amis?